Yesterday’s interview with Paralympian Claire Cashmore brought up some interesting, and rather serious aspects of the dating game, as she talked about the hurdles faced by disabled daters. Inspired by Claire’s words, Ruby contacted me to ask if the blog would be addressing the issue of racism in Dating. It’s not something I’ve ever had experience of, and therefore precisely the reason I first decided to introduce Experimental Daters to the blog. To get as many different angles and anecdotes on dating in one place.
Blog Name – Ruby
Twitter Account – @30DatesRuby
Age – Within the range to be affected by Cobain’s suicide.
Relationship Status – Uncommitted
Location – Nomadic, but mostly in Canada (Vancouver, Toronto)
Sexuality – I’m a people person. Gender and sex are less important to me than other qualities that induce attraction.
Religion – Non-religious, sometimes agnostic, always political
Height – 5’4’’
Body Type – Have you ever seen Lena Dunham naked?
Job – Educator
Education – “Too much”. B.A. B.Ed. M.A. PhD.
Hobbies – Political blogging; house (NY, Chicago) and techno (Berlin) music (note: NOT the “Ibiza scene”); spoken word poetry; pretentious wining and dining (mostly wining); cask ale; coffee/espresso; people watching; walking/running.
Ideal Partner – This changes depending on my mood/ life project at the time. Generally? Perhaps someone who is social justice-minded, politically engaged, knowledgeable (not necessarily “intelligent”), ravenously inspired, inspirational, masculine (not misogynist), adventurous, wise with money (as opposed to “financially-stable”), close to family (natural or created), more of a doer than a thinker, and able and willing to travel.
Physically? Tall, nice square jaw and a great smile doesn’t hurt.
Longest Relationship – 4-5ish years
Why do you think you’re single? – How do I count the ways? I’m not necessarily looking to be “not single”. I value making meaningful connections and having long-lasting relationships. Sometimes that intersection of the Venn diagram never overlaps.
Umm, I can also tell you about a lot of my character traits that make me bad at maintaining relationships:
I am nomadic (travel too much and too often to build something worth maintaining or coming back to), often not satisfied, more invested in exploring the world than a single person. I’m also a loner, independent, introverted and shy. I can be a bit of a smart-ass. I have disdain for people who take things for granted, don’t recognize privilege and don’t want to. I have been too picky (admittedly, at times, downright shallow) and sometimes not picky enough with people that I did end up in relationships with. I am not attracted to “friendship” traits. This last one – I kind of feel that, when I was younger, I had approached love like, “looking for my best friend”, I would have been more amicable to relationships.
Good Relationship Traits – I don’t really believe there are “good” and “bad” relationship traits. I don’t consistently have certain traits in all my relationships. I do, however, have traits that are good in good relationships and traits that rear their ugly head only in bad relationships.
Overall, I’m fairly caring, giving, generous and super-awesome to have conversations with and encourage spontaneity. I know how to “keep a home”, although that may or may not be a trait I enjoy and more of a trait heteronormative men enjoy. People often say that I make them feel special, unique and funny.
I am honest.
Bad Relationship Traits – I am a control freak, especially if I don’t trust the other person to do things correctly (AKA- the way that I would do things). It takes me awhile to trust someone. I have a tendency to end relationships upon first signs of disagreement rather than talking about things, negotiating or working things out. I have demanding expectation with how a partner should interact with my family and friends (that is not necessarily bad though- but have been deal breakers for me). I get antsy in a lifestyle of routine. I’m much better at running away than working things out.
I am abrasively honest.
How would you describe the way you date? – When I choose to date, the general trend is that I see a lot of people at the same time until I start liking or end up seeing one person more than the others. Out of “the many”, sometimes it’s not the person that I “fall for” the most but the person that happens to be slightly more reliable at planning dates with me. When you see someone more often you get to know them better- you are bound to also grow fond of them. Eventually there is an “exclusivity” agreement of some sort. And then BAM- a relationship.
What do you find most attractive in a date? – Confidence, take-charge kind of person, decisive. Someone who can maintain a banter- with intelligent references, allusions or metaphors. Chivalry.
However, I also kind of like the awkward, intensely strange, nerdy/geeky, nervous or broody types too. Not necessarily mutually exclusive to the above.
What do you find least attractive in a date? – Poor behaviour towards other people we interact with on a date (i.e. treating the server poorly). Poor hygiene. Boasting. Ignorance. Lethargy. Only ability they have is to talk about their job and their job is in finance (bleh).
Best Ever Date – I’ve had a lot of great dates- most of them involve meeting in the afternoon (not intending to spend the evening together), time flying by over constant banter and entertaining encounters with other people, and then watching the sunrise because that’s how long we couldn’t get enough of each other’s company.
Worst Ever Date – Is it a problem that I have a lot to choose from? Some of the poorest experiences are with racist, classist and sexist people. But the one that took the cake was the guy who kind of looked like the psycho in Clockwork Orange, was completely humourless, ran into his ex-girlfriend on the date (and he didn’t introduce me- SHE introduced herself and shook my hand), and then we ran into his DAD at the bar we went to (and his father was 100% more fun and charming than he was!)
Celebrity Crushes – Gwen Stefani, Jennifer Connelly, Natalie Portman, Winona Ryder, Joseph Gordon Levitt, James McAvoy, Adrien Brody, Stephen Colbert, Carey Hart and always and forever: Johnny Depp.