If you’re in need of some inspiration to get dating, last Wednesday Experimental Dater Ruby live-tweeted her Wednesday Dating Club date in Vancouver. Here’s a write-up of her date, and the first of two Canadian contributions to the blog tonight!
Miss Twenty-Nine xxx
My Date with Mr. Pleasant
Well, what a nice surprise. I think my first #WednesdayDatingClub went well!
If you missed it, I decided to live-tweet the event.
Sorry if it wasn’t more eventful- there were hardly breaks to tweet and everything just went well- nothing too juicy or scandalous to spill.
I’m going to call this date Mr. Pleasant for two reasons. First, he was just … you guessed it … a pleasant guy.
The date wasn’t mind-altering shattering, exciting, terrible or boring. It was pleasant.
Second, most of our date took part in the Mount Pleasant neighbourhood of Vancouver- a really great neighbourhood that was a good choice for a casual first date. In a lot of ways it was a standard date. But in a lot of ways it wasn’t, because nobody has a standard dinner and drinks for a first date anymore! I would say that a dinner date, as a first date, happens only 20% of the time.
I’m hot and cold on the issue of committing to a full dinner and drinks evening for a first date. On the one hand it’s nice to get a formal invitation and commit to a certain amount of time where you can ride out any bumps in conversation, making use of the allotted amount of time to get to know someone.
However, sometimes the date is just so horrendous that you end up wishing that you hadn’t committed to an entire meal with this person.
A coffee or even a speed date might be too long with the wrong person.
I also notice that a full dinner date is sometimes used as a way to get more time with a person that you don’t think you have a chance with. It’s easier to walk away from a coffee date than a dinner date and, clearly, it has its pluses and minuses.
Anyhow, this was a legitimate first date that was organised by a mutual friend of ours. Conversation started on the obvious point of how we knew the mutual friend and how we were convinced that a blind date was a good idea.
He took initiative in directing the evening- which is a very good move and definitely an impression-maker for my personality type. Mr. Pleasant forwarded me a meeting place suggestion. We met a casual bar/pub called The Whip (one of my favourite bars in the city for their beer selection), grabbed a beer and had non-awkward small talk.
I think it helps that we are both rather close friends of the person who set us up, and had just never run in the same circles, so we’d never met in real life. This is possibly the best situation with blind dating- someone you would have likely been friends with if you just had the opportunity to meet them before.
As part of my challenge, I told you that he would talk about race within the first 15 minutes of meeting me. This didn’t happen. But ;et me explain why: my friend already told him that I do work on race and gender issues and I’m pretty politicized on this issue. My [White] date told me later at dinner that he probably would have brought it up in a stupid way if his friend hadn’t already warned him to approach the issue intelligently, if at all.
The second part of our date was at The French Table, a bistro/wine bar. Again, my date admitted that he knew nothing of wine but his friend told him I was really into wine so he chose a wine place. It’salways nice when someone tries to please you and make a good impression based on what he knows about you. From some of the smaller nice gestures and extra effort he made, I can tell that he was marriage-minded.
He just took everything with an extra seriousness. Made sure to do all the “gentlemanly” things so that there would be no excuse on his part if things didn’t go well. The dinner conversation was good- we talked about our travel experiences- both of us seem to have a taste for adventure and have a bit of experience backpacking.
A bottle in, and the conversation wasn’t getting any better and wasn’t getting any worse (Sometimes this is an issue with slight inebriation). We talked a lot about travel and chose the French Malbec as an ode to some of our travels in Argentina and France. It was nice to meet someone who travelled a lot as well because sometimes you find a lack of common ground in general life orientation when someone has no desire to live in places other than their hometown.
Our date probably lasted around six hours- we met early and ended fairly early because he had to get up at 5:30am for work. He does a mashup of jobs, none of which earn him that much money but he is passionate about them. To offset that, he told me he trades and follows the markets quite closely so he wakes with the NYC East Coast markets to do some money-making work before he goes to his actual job, which is in the charitable non-profit sector.
So, the budding question:
One of the things I struggle with is finding a particular spark/attraction. There problem I am faced with now is that this guy is just an all round good guy and good date. He’s attractive, gainfully employed, good conversation, generally all the things you want in a date and someone you could easily introduce to your parents.
However the interaction was missing that spark, or that particular quality that attracts me to someone.
“Spark” can be developed in a wide variety of ways. For some people it is all about physical attraction. For some people it is having a similar sense of humour. For some it is about have a similar point of passion.
For me? it is a specific conversation style- a banter, to be specific, with someone. There has to be a great back and forth banter for me to see that spark in someone.
Unfortunately, it is a very rare quality.
I’m more than happy to be friends with Mr. Pleasant, but if he asks me out again I’m conflicted whether or not I should just go out with a nice guy and hope there is another point of attraction that can be developed, or if I should insist on only dating people with whom I have that definite spark.
People in successful longterm relationships, what are your thoughts?
Did you spark with that person, or is the attraction something that had to develop slowly over time and now you feel “the fireworks”?
Do I go out with Mr. Pleasant again or wait to find Mr. Spark?