Following on from my admission that there can be a Crappy Side to Being Single, I’ve decided to share the steps I’ll be taking to get over Mr SC, in the hope that some of you out there might need to hear them too. 😦
This one is a given I’m afraid. An old life lesson. You’ve said all you can say, done all you can do. If someone doesn’t want to be with you, then there is no point keeping him (or her) in your life.
It’s time to delete him.
It doesn’t have to be a permanent thing, but it is an important step if you’re going to get over someone. No one becomes immediate friends with an ex (unless perhaps the reason you’re splitting up is because your relationship simply became a friendship).
One party will always be hurting more than the other party.
If you’re the one stinging, remove all trace of that person from your life. At least for a bit.
Throw away (or at least hide) the stuff which reminds you of them. The extra toothbrush, the photos, their special mug. Tuck it away, give it away, chuck it away. If looking at it makes you tear up, don’t put yourself through that.
Block him or her on Facebook. (If you’re worried this will send the wrong message, then be honest that you need to take a step back and explain your actions. If he or she is worth it, they will understand). You might kid yourself that you’re staying friend on Facebook so that your ex can see how amazing your life is, and want you back, but the reality is that if the person you’ve broken up with misses you, they will get in touch. They don’t need Facebook to remind them they miss you. You are blocking them from your view, so you can’t Facebook stalk. Because Facebook stalking is never going to make you happy … until you’re over him or her, and can compare your life to theirs in a positive light! (Which I promise does happen, eventually!).
Remove his or her number from your phone. You can write it down and put it somewhere. But don’t have it somewhere you can use it easily. Weepy, soppy drunken messages are not the way to win someone back. They’re awkward, and needy, and never going to be viewed in the light you want them to be viewed.
Don’t come up with excuses to speak to him. Worried he really needs his aunt’s spoon, that he left at your flat two years ago and has never mentioned since? Think about it sensibly, and if you really need to make contact, or give something back, do it via a friend. As humans we have an amazing ability to convince ourself that we’re doing something for a different reason to the real reason.
Unfortunately, the quickest way to get over someone is to remove all trace of him from your life.
And obviously the longer you’ve been together, and the more serious the relationship, the harder that is to do. But take as many steps as you can to minimise the reminders. Because your brain will remind you enough about him or her. You don’t need to put yourself in the situation where Facebook or the contents of your kitchen cupboard make you break down in tears. You’ll cry for other reasons anyway.
Sometimes in dating, you have to act like your own best friend. And your best friend would be deleting photos of him from your phone, removing his breakfast cereal out of your cupboards, and hiding the Christmas present he bought you.
And if you’re the one that did the dumping? Be fair to the person you just broke up to. Don’t try to be his or her best friend, no matter how bad you feel. It’s only going to give him the wrong impression, and make him feel worse.
A friend of mine once called off her wedding. And she felt so bad about what she had done, that she tried to be as nice to the would-be-groom as possible. But sometimes you actually have to be nasty to be nice. Because you have to cut ties when you break up with someone. And if the other person isn’t prepared to do that, then staying in contact is simply going to give him or her false hope.
So if you do the dumping – back away. Maintain proper space. And when the other person is genuinely in the right frame of mind to get back in contact again, without any ill-disguised hopes, or ulterior motives, then maybe you can move towards the friend zone.
But when you’ve just split up, being friends should be the last thing on your mind.
Unfortunately, sometimes being single is about being selfish. And if you’ve just split up with someone, the only person you should be thinking about, is YOU.
Miss Twenty-Nine xxx