I’m 100% single again.
I’ve not been too vocal about my relationship status recently – either online or in real life. But my closest friends have known that I have been less than 100% single for a couple of months.
‘What does that even mean?!’ they questioned throughout.
I wasn’t sure myself. It was vague. It meant that I had taken myself off online dating sites. And it meant that I wasn’t looking around. But I couldn’t exactly describe myself as ‘in a relationship’. Even ‘kinda seeing each other’ felt too committed.
I was in limbo.
Having now come out the other side, I’ve decided limbo is sometimes a very necessary stage (but always a temporary one – you are never supposed to stop and linger under a limbo pole after all!).
As someone who likes to be intentional in what she does, initially this felt out of character. I think it’s really important to be clear about what’s happening, whether that’s in a relationship, friendship or something in between. Too much heartache is caused, not by intentional dishonesty, but just by people having different expectations and reading a relationship differently.
To that end, The Boomerang and I were at least on the same page in our vagueness, despite the lack of definition or status. We communicate pretty well and discussed our necessary limbo-ness at length. We have known each other for a few years and, as his name suggests, those years have consisted of being around, not being around…and being back around again!
At various times we’ve tried seeing each other, being friends, and using the boyfriend label. Nothing has ever really worked.
(Just to be clear, if someone is keeping you hanging on, that is definitely not a good thing. If they are relying on your strength of feeling being enough to allow them to keep ‘thinking about it’ for extended lengths of time, that sounds dangerously unequal to me and I’d say remove yourself from the situation.)
In this case, it felt like pretty mutual uncertainty.
The basics were great (we enjoy each other’s company, I’m shorter than him, he seems to find entertainment in my ‘quirks’!) What we weren’t quite sure about, was how our fundamental world views matched up. You know, the Big Questions like: ‘What is the meaning of life?’ and ‘Why do good people suffer?’. At times I suspected they didn’t at all, but at other times I hoped they could. These were the kind of issues that only time and trust could draw out.
Sadly, time and trust drew out the undeniable realisation that a long-term relationship was not tenable.
Faith and philosophy of life are important to both of us, but we reached the conclusion, that our ideas are too different to reconcile. I want a life partner who I can make decisions with and hopefully raise children with, and that just wouldn’t be possible with someone whose beliefs were very different on key points.
I still think The Boomerang is a fantastic guy. He’s empathetic, understanding, has an incredible mind and heart and I massively admire him, but I know now we’re not compatible, and ultimately, we would not make a good partnership.
So, it was a sucky outcome to this Limbo stage, but I’m definitely glad we tried it.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained. I hope you have better outcomes from your limbo-ing!