This Friday, I’m up FOR SALE!
I’m not gonna lie – it’s not a situation I’ve ever found myself in before!
A friend is running a charity Date Auction, and I guess I should be rather flattered that she chose me as one of the Dates – I don’t know whether it was simply a case that I was one of the few single girls she knows willing to stand on a table and have men bid for her, or whether she thinks I’ll rake in high bids?! (I have a feeling it’s the first option!)
To be completely honest, I’m petrified.
The minute I agreed, childhood worries came flooding back, in an ‘am I good enough?‘ kind of way.
I’ve always been someone who relied on my personality to get by.
At the age of ten, I watched the Bond film ‘License to Kill’, and the main female character Carey cuts her hair short midway through the film. I was a complete tomboy and loved her funky pixie style hair, so begged my parents to let me cut my hair in the same manner. At first they objected (it’s only now that I see why!), but finally they agreed, and my Dad even kept up the pretence that I wasn’t allowed to cut my then long hair, right up until we got to the hairdresser’s, and he handed over a photo of the film poster to the hairdresser! The next morning, once I’d slept off all the styling products and professional blow dry, I realised why my parents had been so hesitant to let me cut my hair. I have REALLY thick hair. I didn’t have Carey Lowell’s pixie cut – I had a thick, mushroom-like bowl cut, which I endured for the next four years until it properly grew out!
Needless to say, when I began secondary school, I didn’t make friends because I looked cool! And equally, anyone who befriended me between the ages of 10 and 14 is clearly a very good friend, because I looked awful! I wouldn’t have been seen dead with me! 😉 (At this point I should probably say, I made my very best friend at 11, and she has stuck with me through thick and thin, and even more dubious haircuts through the years!)
And so I came to rely on my personality. I’ve always been bubbly and forward, and whilst I was never one of the beautiful girls at school, or in the ‘in’ crowd, I tended to get on with everyone, and was relatively popular. I like people. I like chatting to people and hearing their stories, and I’ve always found you can find common ground with most people – one of the reasons I was happy to go on 30 blind dates in the first place.
For the best part of 30 years, I’ve relied upon my personality, and my banter (for want of a better word). I’ve never really had problems meeting guys, but it’s rare that someone will approach me based on my looks alone. Most of my ex-boyfriends have been friends first, boyfriends second. They got to know me, and came to love me for my personality.
A very different set-up to standing on a table, and having men bid for you, predominantly on looks alone!
I’ve written about body confidence before. And I do stand by what I said – that at 30, I’m infinitely more comfortable in my own skin, than I’ve ever been before. No, I don’t have a pin-up’s body, but I’m a weight that suits my frame, I know how to do my hair and make-up in a way which suits my face, and I’ve come to love my boobs and bum. I exercise regularly, and eat relatively healthily, but don’t beat myself up if I miss a couple of days in the gym, eat a chocolate bar, or get crazy drunk every once in a while!
I’m completely comfortable turning up on a date with a stranger, and knowing I can come across well and make it a fun night.
And yet, standing up on a table, in front of a group of guys who don’t know me, and don’t know my personality, or my crazy life backstory – men who will essentially just be judging me on my looks, scares the sh*t out of me!
Teenage insecurities are rushing back – mainly because of the comparison with the other girls on ‘sale’ that night. I’m scared no one will bid for me, or I’ll be the cheapest date (for want of a better phrase!). I’m worried that at 5’8′ and a size 12 (UK), I’ll lumber over the other petite girls, in the same way I did in my College Drinking Society at university. I know that’s neither crazy tall or overly large, but it can seem ginormous when you’re surrounded by tiny girls.
I considered a spray tan to make myself slimmer. Or getting my hair put up professionally – to package myself in the best possible way.
And then I thought – FUCK IT!
I’m a really fun date, and an interesting girl. I’ve lived a very unorthodox 30 years, and I’m proud of who I am and all that I’ve achieved.
No, I may not be a supermodel, but I’m a bloody good catch, and any guy bidding for a date with me will have a fun night, regardless of what I look like. Come on – it’s for charity after all!
The thing about life is that often we can be our own biggest critics. Everyone has hang ups about him or herself which no one else would even notice. And I guess, as someone who has worn my personality like a shield for so many years, the idea of being judged without it is rather scary.
But this Friday, I will face my fears, stand on a table, and keep my fingers crossed that at least one person bids for me. I’ll let you know how it goes!!! :S
Miss Twenty-Nine xxx