Sex on a First Date
Ladies – it appears these days you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t!
A few weeks ago I wrote about the perils of asking a guy to stay over if you’re not planning on having sex with him. However even if you are prepared to have sex with him soon after meeting, have a proper think about what you’re looking for first. And more importantly – what he’s genuinely looking for.
I appreciate it’s well-trodden discussion ground. The whole concept of the chase. Of wanting what you can’t have. Of not getting something too quickly, otherwise you move on. But dating has changed a lot in the last few years.
As a generation we are so much freer and easier (in both senses of the word!) when it comes to sex. Technology, online porn, and the way we use social media and photo messaging have radically changed social exposure to sex, and the way we interact with others when it comes to sex.
Ten years ago, unless he took a photograph of it, had it developed and sent it to you in the post, it would have been pretty hard for a random stranger to send you a snapshot of his cock. Nowadays he nips to the bathroom, takes a quick mirror selfie, and within seconds the photo is on Tinder, or worse (if it’s someone you’ve never met), pinging up in your Whatsapp inbox.
Casual sex is a part of daily life. You may not be having it, but we all know someone who is. And that’s from a 30 year-old’s perspective.
People ten years younger than me are even more blasé about it all. You only have to watch shows like Geordie Show and Ex on The Beach to appreciate the way sex has been reduced from the romantic act of union it was seen as a hundred years ago, to a purely animalistic act that you do with anyone and everyone. Joss on Ex on the Beach (who I’ll be chatting to next month) gets girls he sleeps with to sign the wall behind his bed – a modern form of bedpost notch. And recently a club promoter at Leeds Met University made national news when he posted a naked photograph of his 100th conquest on Facebook without her permission.
I’ve always been of the opinion that people can do whatever they like, within the law, as long as it doesn’t affect anyone else. And so provided both parties are happy with a casual sex arrangement, who am I to judge them any more than judging someone for what he eats for breakfast, or what kind of clothes she wears?
What frustrates me though, as a girl, is that even though society’s attitude to sex has changed so much in the past two or three years alone, the attitude to women and sex hasn’t changed at all.
Let me give you an example. I have a lot of male friends and work colleagues. Boys who have always treated me like one of the lads. Boys who have conversations around me, and almost forget there’s a girl present. And thanks to those boys and those conversations, I’m privy to the way guys think about women.
I can’t count how many times I’d heard guys complaining about women inviting them to sleep over, but then not having sex with them. It was what prompted the last article I wrote about sex. I knew the girl logic. You’ve told him you don’t want sex, you just want to snuggle up to someone you’re developing feelings for. But I’d also heard the guy aftermath – men see it as a slight, or a rejection. Why didn’t she want to sleep with him? What’s wrong with him?
It’s in these same conversations that I’ve heard guys, almost in the same breath, whinging about how easy a girl was. How she was stupid because she slept with him on the first date, and as a result will never see him again. I’ve heard guys brand women who ‘put out’ on the first date as easy sluts.
And the part that frustrates me, is that there are two parties involved!
The girl wasn’t having sex by herself!
We live in an age of equality. Yes, the physical reality of the act of sex means that ultimately the woman should have the final say in whether the act can physically happen because it’s her body being entered, but when two people are having sex, TWO PEOPLE are having sex!
Why should the girl’s sexual needs and desires be any different to the guy’s? Why is the act of waiting her responsibility?! Why in 2014 is the girl expected to be all coy and keep delaying the inevitable over several dates? And if she doesn’t, why is she then branded stupid, or easy or a slut?
What about the guy? If the girl is the only one responsible for delaying things, what does that make him? Some kind of sexual predator, ready to leap at any given moment? Is the offer of sex always there, and controlled simply by the girl’s decision of when?
And even if she does delay, what makes the guy’s intentions that different after date number 4, than they were after date number 1?
If all he wanted was to sleep with her, the likelihood is he’ll disappear after date 4 in the same way he would have after date 1 … she just might have got a few extra drinks or dinners out of him in the process!
Frankly, I find it odd. We’re all equals, we’re all adults. Why can’t people just be honest with each other?
In that respect, I actually have a lot more respect for the dodgy guys on Tinder posting body selfies, and making clear they’re just ‘DTF’ – at least they’re being honest about it, and letting women go into the situation with their eyes wide open!
In reality, most adults enjoy sex a lot – regardless of whether they are male or female. Which means, really it all just comes down to honest intentions.
If all a guy wants to do is get laid, then regardless of whether you make him wait or not, once he’s got laid, that will be the end of it. You’re simply prolonging the inevitable with the chase. (And even if the chase does entice him to want you for more, is that really the kind of guy you want to attract as a long-term partner?)
And if a guy is looking for a relationship, and really likes you as a person, then I would hope he wouldn’t judge you for rushing into bed with him, because he wants to have sex with you just as much as you want to have sex with him!
However that is all far too simple for the convoluted dating world we live in! And unfortunately people don’t always make their intentions clear – even on dating websites where they have options to choose from!
And so, if you are just on Tinder or POF for sex, then by all means go out and get it – as quickly or as slowly as you want. Just make sure that’s genuinely what you want from the situation.
And if you’re after something more solid, don’t put out on the first date. NOT because that makes you easy or slutty, but because if you are genuinely looking for a guy who wants a relationship, hopefully over the space of the first few dates, you can actually establish what it is that he wants from you. Because not everyone makes their intentions clear from day one.
If the guy’s role is to revel in the chase, then the woman’s role should be to make sure that the guy chasing her is actually worth her interests.
But don’t invite him back into your bed if you are planning to delay things, otherwise that just leads us back to Problem One again! 😉
Miss Twenty-Nine xxx
Humans are schizophrenic. We make it hard on ourselves for no reason. It’s not fair and it’s not right, that men will think a girl is a slut on one breath and then complain that another girl won’t put out in another breath.
These guys you hang out with seem kind of mean.
Personally, it’s hard to be in synch with someone but it can happen in a respectful way. Some deep relationships I’ve had started out passionate from the beginning. I can’t imagine holding that against someone.
I think society is still figuring things out, but it is generally getting a little bit better isn’t it…
I think I love you. Its so true one rule for men one rule for us! As a woman who enjoys sex I don’t see myself as a slut and neither should the man who has sex on a first date either!
Haha cheers Ally! I think you’ll also appreciate the post I’m just writing now!! 🙂 xx
Awesome! I just found your blog as I was doing research on single life after my post on single at 27