PHYSICALITY – What I See When I Look In The Mirror (The Flash)
For her second post of Body Confidence Week, The Flash takes a long hard look at herself in the mirror!
Miss Twenty-Nine xxx
I’ve been wanting to do this for a while: sit in front of the mirror and simply observe. Take time to truly look at what’s there and then notice my reaction to it.
I’ve wanted to do it ever since I came across the website www.whatiseeproject.com – where people are invited to submit their own story. The 30dates #BodyConfidenceWeek seemed the perfect opportunity to finally get round to it.
What follows are my actual thoughts whilst doing it this evening, jotted down, real time, trying to be as uncensored as possible.
A truly bare portrait of myself.
Some of it will be entirely boring as I look into the minutiae of my face. It certainly is incredibly self-obsessed! So apologies in advance. But I hope you can excuse that, for the honesty that it hopefully provides. Here goes.
What do I see?
Bloodshot eyes. I’m tired. I worked late the last two nights because I procrastinated on some projects, and I feel like my face has paid the price. I feel guilty. Sorry face. And everyone who had to look at it today. Euw, sleep in my eyes too.
The skin is tight. [The light is different from this position and it’s showing my skin in more detail.] I have more wrinkles under my eyes than I realised.
My hair is in need of a cut. Again. I’m sure it’s only been a couple of weeks…no, it must have been before Christmas. My hair grows too quickly. It’s lost it’s shape and there are all these fly-aways sticking themselves up all at odd angles. I must book a haircut. [cue the start of a continuous string of thoughts about things I need to do…5 minutes later…]
Right, enough of this negativity! I know there’s lots I do like about my face. If I keep searching.
[I look closer.]
I have downy hair on my cheeks. It’s so fine I’ve never noticed it before. Never! That’s kind of cute. I *think* I like it. As long as it doesn’t keep growing. Help, what if it keeps growing?! [I get scared that it’s just appeared today and tomorrow I’ll wake up with a beard.]
My moles. One below the right corner of my mouth, near my jaw. The other on my left cheek. I like them because they are me. I suppose there isn’t another person alive with the same facial moles. I remember hearing people talk enviously about ‘beauty spots’ when I was younger, so that probably influenced my attitude. (Although that name makes me cringe! Just call them moles!)
It is amazing how much other people’s chat influences my own attitude, including the negative things I’ve heard said about certain features. Like large noses.
[I turn my face 90 degrees. I see the profile of my nose.]
I hated it when I was younger. It’s so unusual and large. Pretty girls have cute, small noses, right? Mine is definitely not that.
Sometime around the age of 23, I simply decided to love it though. It’s me, afterall. It’s not going anywhere anytime soon. And besides, I like interesting shapes in pictures, or in architecture or in sculpture… so why not on my own face? Yes, I like it.
I even used it on my business logo (logos are supposed to be unique, right?)
Although I confess it still surprises me seeing a full on 90 degree profile shot – just *how* distinct it is. The mirror can’t even show me that, so I don’t see it often. Only through photos.
It reminds me of family too. The hump is from my granny on my mum’s side. I like that I have her in me.
I like my cheekbones. I love moving my face around and seeing how the light catches me differently.
Wow, this really will be boring to anyone reading!
[I look in the mirror and make myself laugh]
I like myself best this way. When my eyes are smiling, my right cheek is dimpled and my lips are too happy to bother hiding my chipped front teeth.
Mostly, though, I like who I am. I like who I know is behind those eyes. I worry that others see the messy hair and dry skin, but at least I know the girl who really sits in front of me.
And I certainly see a girl, not an adult!
I’m not sure, even with grey hair and a face full of wrinkles, whether I will see anyone but the girl. It’s impossible to divorce the sight from the feeling of who I am – that’s what I’m realising by doing this – and I still feel like a child inside.
[I stare for a little while longer.]
A lot of emotion. That’s not a surprise. (I need a good cry about once a fortnight!) I see regrets, for mistakes I’ve made and time wasted. But also I see grace big enough to cover all that. And I see a burning desire to live the future well and worship God with all I have.
Well, is anyone else still there? No? I don’t blame you.
I do highly recommend doing this though. It was more therapeutic than I imagined. If you can look at yourself and actively choose to like what you see, that can only make for a more confident you in the outside world.
Remember, you’re beautiful! ALL of you!
LOVE this Flash 🙂 xxx