The Second Date Dilemma (The Coincidental Dater)

She was originally named the Coincidental Dater because she also went on two dates with the Skype Date, only for the second to not to go anywhere near as well as the first – a pattern I’d already established.  However I couldn’t help but notice the irony of her name when this blog post appeared in my inbox this morning.  I almost wrote a very similar post last night!  I’d realised that normally I can tell a spark, or a potential spark, a mile away.  And that if it weren’t for this blog, I would never have organised second dates with men with whom I hadn’t identified such a spark. However, for ease of organising dates to venues I wanted to review, on occasion I’ve turned one perfectly pleasant date in three … even when I’ve been unable to see any real attraction – Mr Mauve, Guy Fawkes …

It’s good to know I’m not the only one who struggles with the idea of waiting for a guy to ‘grow on you.’  And if I hadn’t sampled at least a couple of immediate spark moments this year, I might be more willing to abandon all hope in a romantic comedy style first date encounter!

Coincidental … I’m happy to wait for the spark alongside you 😉 

Miss Twenty-Nine xxx

This is a slightly overdue post given it’s been about two months since I talked about writing for the blog with Miss Twenty-Nine. The reality, however, is that I’ve been taking a bit of a break from the dating scene. Instead I’ve seeing friends and family: spending time in the company of people I know, where the jokes and conversation flow naturally.

I did hit the New Year all guns a-blazing, with a number of Friday evenings and Sunday brunches booked up with dates or dating-related activities, but after being bashed and bruised, some “me” time was definitely needed.

But this is London, pro-activity is the only way forward and so I’m launching back onto the “dating merry-go-round” aka Tinder.  And until I have some new stories I’ll be dipping back into old dating tales…..

I remember reading that Miss Twenty-Nine usually determines very early on during a first date if she fancies the guy. The same goes for me.  I know that that sounds slightly ridiculous.  After all you know nothing about the person, but you know whether there’s something about him or her that has a potential for a spark or not.

Clearly the ideal is you meet your partner at work, uni, or somewhere where you’ve had a chance to get to know them, and perhaps they’ve grown on you over time. However, for many of us, that’s not been the case so dating it is.

  Given the flighty nature of dating, friends have told me over and over to give a date some time.  If the basic building blocks seem to be there, then go on a few dates before jumping to conclusions.

With that advice ringing in my ears, I embarked on my first date of 2014 back at the start of January. It was a Tinder date and we’d arrange to meet at The Riding House Cafe.  So what were my first impressions of Mr G&T? Well, he was a nice, normal guy (first hurdle for an Internet date overcome). The conversation flowed reasonably easily and he was interesting and interested.

But did I fancy him? No. Did I see the potential to fancy him? No.

Riding House Cafe is a good venue: it’s an American-style diner that works well for dinner, though the bar area is limited so it’s slightly disappointing if you’re just there for a drink. As Mr G&T slipped off to the loo, I felt a tap on my shoulder, only to turn around and see my cousin. She’d been sitting metres away the whole time, but had clicked that I was on a date, so hadn’t wanted to butt in. It was lovely to see her and as I commented to her via email the next day, the highlight of my evening! Then came her response – if he’s a nice guy “why don’t you see him again?  Give it some time, you might end up liking him.”

I toyed with the idea.  Like most Londoners, I have a busy schedule and am generally not keen to waste my precious spare time if it’s going to be a dry evening (yes yes I sound like an alcoholic, not quite what I meant but I guess the same can apply!).  However, the words “give it some time” resonated given I’ve heard them time and time again from happily coupled up friends. So I agreed to meet Mr G&T again.  This time we’d do an activity of sorts.  We agreed on a coffee course at Caravan in Kings Cross. I was actually delighted when my date suggested this.  It was something that I’d mentioned I wanted to do. In fact my date had ticked so many boxes that I didn’t even know needed ticking (original date venue suggestions, no game playing with text message responses, honest about the fact that he liked me).

The coffee course was a fun thing to do, although a 9.30 start on a Saturday morning on the other side of London, when you’ve been at a Table8 dinner until the early hours the night before isn’t recommended! After loading up on caffeine we walked along the canal for quite some time and looped back up to Highbury and Islington to say our goodbyes.

Another tick…. Manners –  G&T promptly texted me shortly after to apologise for leaving me at the tube station having realised that there was an Arsenal game that he was running late for. I love manners.  

But, and of course there’s a but, I just didn’t fancy him.

After giving my friends the regular update of my love life, the general consensus was that I should see Mr G&T again. So I did, 3rd date. Again, an excellent venue was suggested and a very pleasant evening ensued. But pleasant was the only way to describe it. And pleasant isn’t enough for me.  Eventually I called it a day. I’m still confused. I know that people can grow on you over time. Indeed some of my closest friends took some time to get to know each other. But you simply don’t get to know someone “naturally” in the world of dating. You either fancy them or you don’t.  And if you don’t, it ends up feeling like a waste of both your time.

And so I’m just going to keep waiting for the spark.

The Coincidental Dater